If I Were A Girl

“Stay away from AP English like the plague.” “Have fun repairing your writing hand next year in AP English.” “I heard students in AP English sit around in a circle everyday and discuss their problems.” “The AP English teacher could force a penguin to migrate south.” “You take AP English? You’re a doofus.” Although somewhat outrageous, I heard these exact words in my career at CFHS from older students and younger students alike. These threats, conspiracies and facts most definitely rattled my younger, sophomore self. Yet somehow, someway (although it may have come from the fact that my lazy older brother found a way to finish both years of AP English), I accomplished the first year of the stressful course with hovering colors. Now, as a veteran in the form of AP English, I believe that I have an honor, no, a duty, to pass along my insurmountable knowledge of the class to younger ladies and gentlemen who face a similar situation as I once did. So, without further ado, allow me to begin a spiel containing information and advice regarding AP English that will hand success to readers on a silver platter. To begin with, a student must never, under any circumstance, start a day off in AP English with a lack of a black and blue pen. This deems the first and most important rule a student must remember before entering the gates of Serensky’s lair. I once learned my lesson the hard way after forgetting this key rule, and in turn, walked out of class that day with eyes resembling the colors of the pens I should have brought to class. In all seriousness, the teacher requires students to bring a pen everyday, yet I have learned during my adventures that bringing two pens enables a student to feel twice as prepared. Now for rule two: a student must train his/herself to love a variety of television shows. After school each day, an AP English student should work out their writing hand by flipping through the channels on their remote. A stronger writing hand equals a faster writing pace and therefore more success in the world of AP English. Thirdly, an individual under the teachings of Ms. Serensky needs to acquire a certain sense of humor. A student must learn to laugh at things that others may deem cruel, unusual and most definitely awkward. For example, strangely located tattoos, dying horses, and abnormally large ladies facing terrifying circumstances involving men with pig faces, now prove side-splitting funny to students of AP English. Sharing a similar sense of humor with the instructor of the class enables time to fly in the utter bareness of the room residing at the end of the hall. Lastly, a student that wishes to excel in AP English must become as close to female as possible. Weird, I know, but you heard correctly. I do not think it necessary to exclaim that I only speak to males regarding this last rule. Females swarm like insects into the AP English classes, outnumbering the boys by tenfold, creating an environment unfit for individuals who prefer campfire over candlelight. The saying, “If you can’t beat them, join them” directly applies itself in this situation. Girls possess greater writing skills than boys. Fact, not fiction. Therefore, begin practicing this transformation by curving your calligraphy, analyzing the un-analyzable, and dotting your letter “i’s” with cute heart bubbles. A student who follows these four simple steps will find themselves overwhelmed with success in the world of AP English.