Phil Dunphy

"I’m the cool dad, that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face." - Phil Dunphy

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Dear Individual,

                 I have heard of the unfortunate circumstance regarding your special someone and hope to provide advice you can utilize in order to solve your problematic situation. Unfortunately, I know few details about your current relationship, so I must share general information about relationships that I have accumulated over a long and inspiring dating career. To begin with, buy your own tampons. Secondly, buy the condoms if you find yourself involved in a physically sexual relationship. After interacting with certain young men just the other day, I discovered that asking a gentleman to buy tampons may prove the most repulsive task ever asked of them. In fact, the reason why your boyfriend wishes to leave you in the first place may stem from that exact request. As you can see, I do not understand the word or concept of “filter;” one will discover only utter bluntness in my advice. To continue along this pattern, cut back on the southern fried okra. Allow me to introduce you to your new favorite friends: fruits, vegetables and discipline. Also, I luckily stumbled upon another useful tip during my younger years. Delve into the art of Zumba. This erotic dancing shapes the hips, making the men desire the lips. I do not know the location of your nearest gym, but I do know that the daily trip to work out that soon-to-be sexy bod can cause a dent in your gas money. So toss that Hummer you drive around town to the nearest cars salesman available and acquire a machine that acts a tad nicer to the environment. While also saving Mother Earth, your boyfriend will love you for downscaling the size of your vehicle, cutting the difference in proportion between your car and his red Prius. I hear my microwave in the kitchen beeping, informing me that tonight’s broccoli has cooked to perfection. Therefore, I must wrap this to a close, but not before I give you the most important advice you will hear in this letter. I save the best advice for last, so you must try and brace yourself. I admit, if anyone had told me this next tidbit of advice only a few years ago, I would have called them crazy. However, after reading the graphic novel, Watchmen by Dave Gibbons and Alan Moore, I came to fully understand the tastes and likes of the opposite sex. In actuality, you possess too much intelligence. This deems the reasoning behind your boyfriend’s departure. You must dumb yourself down so your I.Q. hovers around that of a toothpick. As clearly seen in the character, Laurie, from this novel, who plays two males at once, guys dig the shallow stupid girls. I hope my knowledge will allow you to make the necessary adjustments within your daily life and in turn bring your boyfriend running back to you.

1 comment:

  1. I actually burst out laughing reading your blog, Derek. I love your blunt tone throughout while also incorporating previous blog topics and awkward conversations. No advice column seems complete without noticing the writer's imperfections and taking a very straight forward approach in correcting these. I think I most enjoyed the uncomfortable yet giddy feeling I recieved from remembering our tampon/condom conversation. There seems something about these taboo subjects that make it hilarious to discuss with my classmates.