I have heard of the unfortunate
circumstance regarding your special someone and hope to provide advice you can
utilize in order to solve your problematic situation. Unfortunately, I know few
details about your current relationship, so I must share general information
about relationships that I have accumulated over a long and inspiring dating
career. To begin with, buy your own tampons. Secondly, buy the condoms if you
find yourself involved in a physically sexual relationship. After interacting with
certain young men just the other day, I discovered that asking a gentleman to
buy tampons may prove the most repulsive task ever asked of them. In fact, the
reason why your boyfriend wishes to leave you in the first place may stem from
that exact request. As you can see, I do not understand the word or concept of “filter;”
one will discover only utter bluntness in my advice. To continue along this
pattern, cut back on the southern fried okra. Allow me to introduce you to your
new favorite friends: fruits, vegetables and discipline. Also, I luckily
stumbled upon another useful tip during my younger years. Delve into the art of
Zumba. This erotic dancing shapes the hips, making the men desire the lips. I
do not know the location of your nearest gym, but I do know that the daily trip
to work out that soon-to-be sexy bod can cause a dent in your gas money. So
toss that Hummer you drive around town to the nearest cars salesman available
and acquire a machine that acts a tad nicer to the environment. While also saving
Mother Earth, your boyfriend will love you for downscaling the size of your
vehicle, cutting the difference in proportion between your car and his red
Prius. I hear my microwave in the kitchen beeping, informing me that tonight’s
broccoli has cooked to perfection. Therefore, I must wrap this to a close, but
not before I give you the most important advice you will hear in this letter. I
save the best advice for last, so you must try and brace yourself. I admit, if
anyone had told me this next tidbit of advice only a few years ago, I would
have called them crazy. However, after reading the graphic novel, Watchmen
by Dave Gibbons and Alan Moore, I came to fully understand the tastes and likes
of the opposite sex. In actuality, you possess too much intelligence. This
deems the reasoning behind your boyfriend’s departure. You must dumb yourself
down so your I.Q. hovers around that of a toothpick. As clearly seen in the
character, Laurie, from this novel, who plays two males at once, guys dig the
shallow stupid girls. I hope my knowledge will allow you to make the necessary adjustments
within your daily life and in turn bring your boyfriend running back to you.
Phil Dunphy
"I’m the cool dad, that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face." - Phil Dunphy
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Denzel at His Finest
I
remember visiting my grandparents, who lived in New Jersey, and my cousins, who
still live in Lincoln, Nebraska during my elementary years. My mother, two
brothers and sister would endure the eight hour ride out to the east coast once
a year to hang with my mother’s parents. My father on the other hand, seemed to
always have work to do, ironically enough. Since Cleveland, Ohio to Lincoln,
Nebraska tops the list of “The Longest and Most Boring Drives in the Country,”
we chose to make the 16 hour drive once every three years or so. Despite this
infrequency, one can imagine how much time my family spent in our Honda
minivan. Since kids under the age of 13 cannot sit still in a car for more than
an hour at a time, and since we frequently drove across the northeastern United
States with four children under the age of 13, my mother permitted us to bring
the portable television and VCR on our trips. These road trips allowed me to
learn and memorize every line from the movie, “Remember the Titans.” Often
times seen up to three separate times on a road trip, I quickly became
acquainted with the characters and actor of Denzel Washington. At my young age,
I did not understand the importance of the racial segregation depicted within
the movie, or the appreciation for the movie’s fantastic soundtrack, or the
talent of the actors, or even the comical quotes and scenes captured by the
filmmakers. I just loved to watch football. About a month ago, I found myself
browsing the channels on my television and stumbled upon the astounding film
featured on ABC Family. Denzel Washington huddled up his football team in the
locker room before their first game, looked at each of his players and told
them, “Like all the other schools in this conference, they (the opponent) are
all white. They don't have to worry about race. We do. But let me tell you something:
you don't let anyone come between us. Nothing tears us apart.” After Denzel
finished his sentence, I wished nothing more than to go back in time and join
the Civil Rights March on Washington. Excuse me, for I find myself jumping
ahead and confusing those who have yet to experience the thrill of watching
this movie. Allow me to provide a brief synopsis. Based on a true story, “Remember
the Titans” begins with the integration of blacks and whites into a Virginia
high school by the name of T.C. Williams in 1971. Teammates on the football
team hate each other based on the color of each other’s skin. Even the coaches
have trouble getting along. However, against impossible odds, these high school
boys find a way to turn their animosity into brotherhood, weaving an inspiring tale
one cannot miss. Every moment in “Remember the Titans” on and off the football
field carries a wide range of emotions from that of misery to exhilaration.
Denzel Washington’s character as coach of the T.C. Williams football team, constantly
inspires his audience with quotes of community, pride and morality. To this
day, my brothers and I quote the movie, when we remember the Titans.
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